This feeling. This overwhelming, insignificant, small feeling is one of my favourites. I love knowing how vast the world is, and how tiny the world is compared to the greatness of the universe.
I like feeling small because it means there's so much room for me to fit into. I've never really felt like I belonged anywhere, and seeing the miles stretch on before my eyes lets me know there are so many possible places that I might. The sun in the distance, that I can never reach, shines on all the places that I am free to explore.
I like feeling small because I hate feeling big. In this apartment, where I'm contained within these four walls where my furniture can only fit one way and it's still barely comfortable. In the structure of the days where we're all puzzle pieces moving between one another; working for one another, bending to each other's rules... I feel confined and my potential feels limited. I feel too big. I don't fit. Like Alice when she eats that "TRY ME" cookie.
It's so strange - this bed, the artwork on my walls, the floor under my feet - they're mine. I paid for them. This is my room. But it's not mine at all. It doesn't show who I am, and it doesn't let me express myself. However, at the top of a mountain, whether I'm looking over a barren desert, a beautiful ocean, or a forrest of green, that is my sanctuary. That moment is mine, that view is mine, and I am completely, unapologetically, effortlessly... me.